This post takes its cue from a post by Sarah over at One Starry Night about change. Sarah shared some intense life events over the last decade and that she fears change. If you don't follow Sarah, I definitely suggest that you go check out her blog. She is a truly authentic person and I think that's why her photography is so amazing!
Well, her post got me thinking about my own reactions to change. I tend to embrace change and am always looking forward to "what's next?" I'm not sure what that says about me, maybe that I should take time to enjoy the moment and perhaps be more reflective about what has passed. Since I'm in the midst of some big changes right now, looking back over the last decade seemed like a great idea!!
2001 - In June I gave birth to my first son. It was a dream come true, except for the c-section. Even that was sort of a blessing in disquise. I returned to work the week of September 11th. I mourned that my little boy would grow up in a world fundamentally different from the one I'd known. At work, I started on my APIB reliability (Assessment of Preterm Infant Behavior) and went to my first NIDCAP Trainers Meeting in Skamania, Washington.
2002 - A good year for my family. In August I became pregnant again. Trainers meeting was in Colonial Williamsburg, VA
2003 - I gave birth to my daughter on her brother's birthday by CBAC (cesarean birth after cesarean - a term used to describe a "failed" vaginal birth attempt after cesarean). Probably one of the worst years of my life but as with most things, it really did serve to make me a stronger person. Another mark on this year was the sudden onset of optic neuropathy experienced by my husband while we attended the NIDCAP meeting in Estes Park, CO. This is typically a "first strike" symptom of Multiple Sclerosis. *knock-on-wood* so far so good for the most part!
2004 - I achieved reliability on the APIB and continued my studies to train under Heidi Als, PhD to become a NIDCAP Trainer. Trainers meeting was in Oklahoma City that year. "I loved that world" my 3-yo son said as we left - Trainers meetings are great for my family who get to play while I'm working away!
2005 - Achieved reliability as a NIDCAP Trainer ! Also became pregnant with my second son. A great joy to me as I felt like I was really getting another chance to do better for myself and unborn child. (Trainers meeting was in Connecticut - my colleagues from Holland were amazed to hear of the barbaric birth culture here "don't most people give birth at home?" they asked)
2006 - Started off with a bang and had my son naturally on his due date at the end of January by vba2c. That's vaginal birth after two cesareans. Getting there wasn't easy, and I had to search and search for a provider to "allow" me to labor. (looking back I wish I'd done a home birth) I did find a provider - right down the hall from my office. Trainers meeting in Sun Valley, Idaho - hey these are the only vacations I get!
2007 - Had my first miscarriage that summer. Agonizing experience. Meeting was in Combrit, France. Went on a 2 week trip through Germany and France with hubby. Lots of fun! First time ever away from the kids. We missed them terribly.
2008 - Had my second miscarriage that summer. Even worse experience than the first and fell into a deep depression that I'm maybe even just now starting to recover from. Meeting was in Raleigh, NC where I met Nils Bergman http://www.kangaroomothercare.com/ - the main speaker for the conference I just recently put together.
2009 - The year of existence. My husband went on a freak out mission and did some really crappy things, which maybe someday I'll be able to write about. Planned and hosted the NIDCAP meeting in Chicago. Really enjoyed event planning, so soon after, I initiated the planning for the Skin to Skin care conference this year.
2010 - A big year of change for me. Here's a few: starting grad school in the fall, dropped my percentage at the med center (will continue on as a NIDCAP Trainer) and started working part-time at the Erikson Institute. Trainers meeting is in The Netherlands later this year! Still working on the marriage with my new motto: Love is the Only medicine.
Showing posts with label cbac. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cbac. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
ACOG announces new VBAC guidelines
http://www.acog.org/from_home/publications/press_releases/nr07-21-10-1.cfm
Wow, I can barely believe that this press release is real. I am really grateful for the hard work and advocacy from ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) and all of the wonderful women out there that have had a vbac, tried for a vbac and those that simply wanted one and were turned away. It was you who all raised your voices, believed in what birth could/might be and brought awareness and HEAT to the powers-that-be. In this case it was American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology.
I know that this won't result in some miraculous reversal of vbac bans or defacto bans, but it is a big step in the right direction. Changing the hearts and minds of those who truly believe that vbac is "dangerous" will take a generation or more. I just pray that first, women will be sparred that scar but if they should have one, that it will be the only one. I pray that the struggles I had through my primary section, cbac (cesarean birth after cesarean) and the long journey to a successful vba2c will somehow be lessened now for others.
A facebook and IRL friend posted on this Facebook today and I think it is perfect for today!
"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do."" Author: Helen Keller
I couldn't agree more!!
Wow, I can barely believe that this press release is real. I am really grateful for the hard work and advocacy from ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) and all of the wonderful women out there that have had a vbac, tried for a vbac and those that simply wanted one and were turned away. It was you who all raised your voices, believed in what birth could/might be and brought awareness and HEAT to the powers-that-be. In this case it was American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology.
I know that this won't result in some miraculous reversal of vbac bans or defacto bans, but it is a big step in the right direction. Changing the hearts and minds of those who truly believe that vbac is "dangerous" will take a generation or more. I just pray that first, women will be sparred that scar but if they should have one, that it will be the only one. I pray that the struggles I had through my primary section, cbac (cesarean birth after cesarean) and the long journey to a successful vba2c will somehow be lessened now for others.
A facebook and IRL friend posted on this Facebook today and I think it is perfect for today!
"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do."" Author: Helen Keller
I couldn't agree more!!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A mother of a birth story - love and pain
As I begin to write, I am honestly not sure if I can remember all of the details. Sad as it is to say, the memory of my daughter's birth brings a rush of emotion: grief, shame, regret...yet also love for her and gratitude that from this life-changing event, many good things have flowered from the bad.
After our son's first birthday, I cautiously considered the hope of having another child. Back during the time of our infertility, I had often stated that I really thought that if I could only get pregnant once, my body would figure out how to do it again. Was it okay to greedily wish for another child? I pondered this and whether I had the guts to get back on the fertility roller coaster. I remember making a very conscious decision one day that, yes! my desire for another child was too great to be denied. I made an appointment to get a referral for the reproductive endocrinologist immediately. I believe I was actually one day pregnant the day of that visit. Lesson #1: My intuitions should be respected and that positive decisive thought is powerful .
I continued my prenatal care with my previous OB and once again enjoyed a delightful pregnancy. Co-workers lovingly informed me that I was "soo beautiful last time, this time, no". Apparently this was their kind way of suggesting this baby would be a girl. ???? It didn't matter, I felt beautiful. I also assumed that I would try again for a natural vaginal birth. Of course. At one of my later prenatal visits my doc asked me when I wanted to schedule the c-section. Literally my jaw dropped. That was completely out of left field in my reality. I had NO IDEA that vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) was even an official "thing" or that some hospitals or doctors were unsupportive. How the f did that escape my radar? After all, I do work in the maternal-child healthcare industry. I had already forced my husband to go to a refresher Bradley class and now I decided to look into a doula. I interviewed a newly practicing doula who was affordable. She was nice enough. I didn't know what I should be looking for but I knew I'd gone to the hospital much too soon last time and I wanted to avoid doing that again. I knew that I was a "wimp" about pain and that for sure the hard and fast labor from before wouldn't happen again. All labors are different. This time would go according to plan. Ugh. I didn't do ANY emotional work. Also late in our relationship my doula "disclosed" that she'd had a traumatic medical experience at the hospital I was going to deliver in (the same place as #1). This turned out to be a rather important factor. Lesson #2: Pay attention to that voice inside no matter how muffled she may sound and DO the emotional work, be ready for everything.
Two years to the day of my son's birth, I went into labor, 4 days before my due date. The labor came fast and hard. I called the doula. She arrived. I didn't know what to do, neither did she. We went to the hospital right away. The sun was blinding me as sharply as the labor pains on the way there. I arrived to the same Triage space, the nurse yelled at me to stop moaning, to get out of the bathroom, to wait on that damn cot and put the monitor on. I couldn't take it. It was the same day, it was the same. The same! I begged for the epidural. The doula looked frightened. I went to a labor room. Everyone left. A young doctor stabbed my back 20 times. A nurse yelled at me to "be still". I was in transition. "Stop trying to put the needle in my back, I want to push". "Be still!!!". Epidural finally in. Doctor on call checks me. 10 cm. Yeah. I'm numb. "PUSH". I can't feel anything. The doula is silent. We have to put in an internal monitor. Baby's heart rate is dropping a bit with contractions. "You can't do it". Consent to c-section. No rush to OR. Baby is born, apgars 9 and 9. Swaddled baby flashed in my face. "she's pretty". It's a girl? tsk, tsk, so much scar tissue.
The next few hours after that are lost to me. I just remember being in the maternity ward with my baby and trying to nurse her. She couldn't latch quite right, just like her brother. At one point a nurse came to give her a bath and despite my request to do so in the room with me, she took her out for the bath. An hour later I called to find out where my baby was. "Oh she was a bit cold so we put her under the warmer". ???? Please bring me my baby, I pleaded. Another hour later I threw a temper tantrum to get my daughter back. She still couldn't nurse, who knows, but I'm sure she got a bottle while she was gone. Suddenly, I was in excruciating pain. I called for the nurse who gave me serious pain meds. The on-call doctor who did the section came by and whispered to my husband, "I hope you don't plan on having any more children...lots of scar tissue". The pain continued to worsen so around midnight I was taken to radiology and a probe was placed in my back into my right kidney and snaked through to where my ureter was supposed to be. The ureter connects the kidney to the bladder. I was watching the probe on the x-ray monitor and could see the probe and barium progress through my kidney, through the upper part of my ureter to....nothing. Empty space. The doctors had told me that they suspected there was a "stitch" in my ureter. I could clearly see there was no stitch - it had been severed. But I played along with their "stitch" game. Went down for a horrible procedure to try and "unplug" the ureter by going through my urethra and bladder. No luck. duh. So a drain was placed in my back to keep my kidney from shutting down by allowing my urine to drain and collect into a plastic bag strapped to my thigh. I was also unable to nurse my daughter for 10 hours because of the barium.
I went home with the kidney drain, a constantly leaking urine bag on my leg, the c-section wound, a dislocated tailbone (somehow I popped my tailbone out during one of the really strong contractions), a small, barely nursing baby, a two-year old and the promise of another major abdominal surgery in 6 weeks to repair my ureter.
I was determined to nurse my baby and we worked diligently at it for 4 weeks before she was able to do it very well. At six weeks, I went to a different hospital for the repair. I insisted on taking and keeping my baby with me. I had to check and double check many times to make sure that all medications given would be compatible with breast feeding. Nurses admonished me for bringing "that" baby into a dirty hospital, pain and discomfort was the norm but I was determined in a way I had never been before. For the first time in my life I didn't' give a DAMN what anyone else thought or wanted. After that surgery I had to have a catheter in my bladder (much worse than a drain in my back) for another 4 weeks. I was enormously depressed and in constant pain from my tailbone long after the other wounds healed. Through it all my daughter was the most lovely and quiet baby. It makes me cry in fear that she was like that because she couldn't afford to be all fussy and demanding. A sacrificial offering to her mommy. I told her one day a few months after I felt better, "honey you can cry and wail now if you want. Mommy feels better now". She just smiled and cooed gently. Unbelievably, I went back to work after 12 weeks of leave. I was nowhere near ready to do so physically or emotionally. Lesson #3: Be selfish, be determined, be good and kind to yourself - it's not selfish after all. You and your baby deserve a whole and healthy mommy.
After our son's first birthday, I cautiously considered the hope of having another child. Back during the time of our infertility, I had often stated that I really thought that if I could only get pregnant once, my body would figure out how to do it again. Was it okay to greedily wish for another child? I pondered this and whether I had the guts to get back on the fertility roller coaster. I remember making a very conscious decision one day that, yes! my desire for another child was too great to be denied. I made an appointment to get a referral for the reproductive endocrinologist immediately. I believe I was actually one day pregnant the day of that visit. Lesson #1: My intuitions should be respected and that positive decisive thought is powerful .
I continued my prenatal care with my previous OB and once again enjoyed a delightful pregnancy. Co-workers lovingly informed me that I was "soo beautiful last time, this time, no". Apparently this was their kind way of suggesting this baby would be a girl. ???? It didn't matter, I felt beautiful. I also assumed that I would try again for a natural vaginal birth. Of course. At one of my later prenatal visits my doc asked me when I wanted to schedule the c-section. Literally my jaw dropped. That was completely out of left field in my reality. I had NO IDEA that vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) was even an official "thing" or that some hospitals or doctors were unsupportive. How the f did that escape my radar? After all, I do work in the maternal-child healthcare industry. I had already forced my husband to go to a refresher Bradley class and now I decided to look into a doula. I interviewed a newly practicing doula who was affordable. She was nice enough. I didn't know what I should be looking for but I knew I'd gone to the hospital much too soon last time and I wanted to avoid doing that again. I knew that I was a "wimp" about pain and that for sure the hard and fast labor from before wouldn't happen again. All labors are different. This time would go according to plan. Ugh. I didn't do ANY emotional work. Also late in our relationship my doula "disclosed" that she'd had a traumatic medical experience at the hospital I was going to deliver in (the same place as #1). This turned out to be a rather important factor. Lesson #2: Pay attention to that voice inside no matter how muffled she may sound and DO the emotional work, be ready for everything.
Two years to the day of my son's birth, I went into labor, 4 days before my due date. The labor came fast and hard. I called the doula. She arrived. I didn't know what to do, neither did she. We went to the hospital right away. The sun was blinding me as sharply as the labor pains on the way there. I arrived to the same Triage space, the nurse yelled at me to stop moaning, to get out of the bathroom, to wait on that damn cot and put the monitor on. I couldn't take it. It was the same day, it was the same. The same! I begged for the epidural. The doula looked frightened. I went to a labor room. Everyone left. A young doctor stabbed my back 20 times. A nurse yelled at me to "be still". I was in transition. "Stop trying to put the needle in my back, I want to push". "Be still!!!". Epidural finally in. Doctor on call checks me. 10 cm. Yeah. I'm numb. "PUSH". I can't feel anything. The doula is silent. We have to put in an internal monitor. Baby's heart rate is dropping a bit with contractions. "You can't do it". Consent to c-section. No rush to OR. Baby is born, apgars 9 and 9. Swaddled baby flashed in my face. "she's pretty". It's a girl? tsk, tsk, so much scar tissue.
The next few hours after that are lost to me. I just remember being in the maternity ward with my baby and trying to nurse her. She couldn't latch quite right, just like her brother. At one point a nurse came to give her a bath and despite my request to do so in the room with me, she took her out for the bath. An hour later I called to find out where my baby was. "Oh she was a bit cold so we put her under the warmer". ???? Please bring me my baby, I pleaded. Another hour later I threw a temper tantrum to get my daughter back. She still couldn't nurse, who knows, but I'm sure she got a bottle while she was gone. Suddenly, I was in excruciating pain. I called for the nurse who gave me serious pain meds. The on-call doctor who did the section came by and whispered to my husband, "I hope you don't plan on having any more children...lots of scar tissue". The pain continued to worsen so around midnight I was taken to radiology and a probe was placed in my back into my right kidney and snaked through to where my ureter was supposed to be. The ureter connects the kidney to the bladder. I was watching the probe on the x-ray monitor and could see the probe and barium progress through my kidney, through the upper part of my ureter to....nothing. Empty space. The doctors had told me that they suspected there was a "stitch" in my ureter. I could clearly see there was no stitch - it had been severed. But I played along with their "stitch" game. Went down for a horrible procedure to try and "unplug" the ureter by going through my urethra and bladder. No luck. duh. So a drain was placed in my back to keep my kidney from shutting down by allowing my urine to drain and collect into a plastic bag strapped to my thigh. I was also unable to nurse my daughter for 10 hours because of the barium.
I went home with the kidney drain, a constantly leaking urine bag on my leg, the c-section wound, a dislocated tailbone (somehow I popped my tailbone out during one of the really strong contractions), a small, barely nursing baby, a two-year old and the promise of another major abdominal surgery in 6 weeks to repair my ureter.
I was determined to nurse my baby and we worked diligently at it for 4 weeks before she was able to do it very well. At six weeks, I went to a different hospital for the repair. I insisted on taking and keeping my baby with me. I had to check and double check many times to make sure that all medications given would be compatible with breast feeding. Nurses admonished me for bringing "that" baby into a dirty hospital, pain and discomfort was the norm but I was determined in a way I had never been before. For the first time in my life I didn't' give a DAMN what anyone else thought or wanted. After that surgery I had to have a catheter in my bladder (much worse than a drain in my back) for another 4 weeks. I was enormously depressed and in constant pain from my tailbone long after the other wounds healed. Through it all my daughter was the most lovely and quiet baby. It makes me cry in fear that she was like that because she couldn't afford to be all fussy and demanding. A sacrificial offering to her mommy. I told her one day a few months after I felt better, "honey you can cry and wail now if you want. Mommy feels better now". She just smiled and cooed gently. Unbelievably, I went back to work after 12 weeks of leave. I was nowhere near ready to do so physically or emotionally. Lesson #3: Be selfish, be determined, be good and kind to yourself - it's not selfish after all. You and your baby deserve a whole and healthy mommy.
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